i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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