see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
