when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
