Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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