Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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