I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
