you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
