I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sobbing to NWA
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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