nut hugger
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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