Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
