True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
