instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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