well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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