No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
