I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
