This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
