When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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