Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
