I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
