proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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