Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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