at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I did not marry a roomba.
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