No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
