Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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