i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
