I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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