Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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