I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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