That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
