Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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