maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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