We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
