3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
