You're my little dorito
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
