she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
