My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
