i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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