So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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