I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
