OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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