Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
