Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
