remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So apparently I’m into choking now
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