I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
