I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
