it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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