you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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