Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
