Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
