Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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