3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
