wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm bleeding and have questions
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
