I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
