the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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