Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
