My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
