I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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