I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
