life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Pants are for mortals
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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