I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You're a disaster
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